Russia: The Indiscussible, or, How that Gay Conversation Went Down in Class

As somebody who has been on countless abroad programs in Russia (this is officially my umpteenth time), the one thing that I always have to read in every handbook that they write is “Sexual Orientation: Russia is not as progressive as other Western nations when it comes to issues about sexual orientation.” Then it goes on a long-winded explanation to state the PC equivalent of “Dem bitchez here really be hatin’ on dem homoz.”

In other words: Homosexuality in Russia. Don’t do it.

But if you were to go on an abroad program to Milwaukee, Tennessee, I’m pretty sure that brochure isn’t going to say “Milwaukee: The Gay Haven!” Same with Vladimir. Nevertheless, the internet has once again proven to be useful in meeting men who like men, and not only. And although the gay Russian website I visited is chockfull of exciting, cultural material (and yes, I’m serious. I’m not just talking sex here, c’mon), that is best saved for another entry.

Point being, I’m really frustrated that this should be the un-breech-able topic. For crying out loud, even if your opinion is ignorant, even if it makes me livid, even if it makes me want to give up Russian (which nothing ever will), I AT LEAST WANT TO HEAR YOUR DAMN OPINION! The Russian opinion. And even though Mayor Luzhkov has already made his own opinion clear (another nelepiy politician, if you ask me), he does not speak for the masses. So I decided to do our article on mass media on the gay parade in Moscow.

Hoooo boy! Talk about fear! I’ve never seen desperation in a teacher’s eyes quite like Tatyana Mikhailovna’s. It’s like she dissected her own skull and said, “Please, Wilson, look at these wheels turning. NOW STOP MAKING THEM TURN SO MUCH!” I’m pretty sure she was really afraid that she was going to say something unforgiveable and offend me indefinitely. Which, please, I’m Wilson. I’m a fucking teddy bear. The only thing I get mad at is postponed episodes of Glee because of some crap football game.

In any case, she did a rather graceful dance of a performance around the issue. I think the only other dance I’ve seen worth commending this much was the evil swan dude in a production of Swan Lake in the Marinsky Theater in Petersburg. Hm… I should buy her flowers. Anyway, she first asked us “Well, do you guys have any questions about this article?” And when we all said “Um… not really. It’s all pretty clear. Gay parade is a no go in Russia,” she goes “Well, in a Russian classroom setting, everyone would probably ask ‘So why are we talking about this again?’”

Whomp whoooomp. She then steered us delicately away from the topic and made us talk about “tolerance” and asked us our opinion about the difference between “tolerantnost’” and “terpimost’”. Oh, oh, I know! Russia doesn’t have tolerantnost’, whereas… wait… she doesn’t have terpimost’, either. Oh well, I’m stumped once more!

What was interesting to find out was that even though homosexuality was officially placed in the Ugolonviy Kod (Criminal Code?), homosexuality didn’t exist in the Soviet Union. Shit, sexuality didn’t exist in the Soviet Union! “V Sovetskom Soyuze seksa net,” duh. A phrase that I had forgotten about a while back. So if sex was the un-breech-able topic, imagine homosexuality! Whew! It’s not that they wouldn’t touch it with a ten-foot pole, it’s just that there’s no pole long enough to even reach it!

But students, American students, are ever so relentless! Bam. Back to gay. “ANSWER FOR YOUR COUNTRY, WOMAN! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU!?” And when we were answered with another overly PC response (c’mon Russia, that’s unlike you), we just started talking about America and how things are going down over there. Prop 8, how we feel about extending rights to anyone wanting to marry, even Mormons + hella wives, what this means for democracy, the struggle of minorities over American history, etc., etc.

Point being, Russia right now is like America in the 60’s. No homo. But there is a movement! Even if it’s barely visible even under a microscope! It’s like Milk all over again! And even though it is unbearably frustrating to know that gays in Russia don’t have rights and won’t anytime soon, it is pretty neat to see it in its inceptionary stages. It’s like living in history! And maybe, just maybe, I will have to be the Russian Milk. I will have to liberate the homos!

Bah, just kidding. I just wanted to say the phrase “Russian Milk” because it sounds freaking delicious. Mmm… Russian milk…

Oh yeah, gay in Russia – don’t do it. Cuz it’s not even there…

*cue Twilight Zone theme*

Pic Attempt

You knooow... Dostoevsky never put pics in HIS novels... Alas... times change, and even the greats must bow down to the will of the masses...

I asked everyone to do their best Russian face. It came out pretty damn good.

Megan i Dzhuliet.

Travis i Kristen. Damn Kristen. Damn.

Katya, Tim, and Zach. Katya doesn't count because she's Polish and she knows how to own the "Do you WANT me to kill you?" look.

This is at bowling. Because DUH, when you bowl they CLEARLY give you a bottle of cheap white wine and sushi rolls!

Katya and I post-blini making

You didn't expect anyone to smile in their pics here, did you? (Yours truly)

Awesome. Now that I know it doesn't necessarily take eons to upload photos, I'll do my best in future renditions to add photos to this bloggizzle.

Russia: In Russians I instill fear

I'm actually rather proud of this one feat. And I'll tell you why:

As a black person, I tend to stand out in the Russian environment. Of course, all that's changing more and more, so now when they see me they're like "eh, just some other dude." Thanks to my glasses though, I don't get beat up because I'm "just some other SMART dude." That is, I am seen as separate from my Central Asian counterparts (native Kazakhs, Tadjiks, and Kyrgyzs have confused me for one of their own).

So, here's the back story. After class I went to the gym, changed into my gym clothes, went out, and had to put money on my phone. I walk into this random store and say

Me: Do you put money on phones?

Girl behind counter: Um, yeah.

Me: Can you put 200 rubles on my phone?

Girl: Whoa! Just not that much!
Me: What?

Guy talking to girl: Oh, it's a joke. Joke? It's a local joke.

Me: Oh, I'm not local so I wouldn't get it.

Guy: Oh really? Where you from?

Me: US

Guy: Oh? Which part?

Me: Miami.

Guy: Oh, you know I have a friend that's doing work and travel there right now.

Girl: Oh that's cool. But what are your roots? You don't look American.

Me: I'm Colombian.

Guy: Oh... um... your Russian's really good, how long have you been studying Russian?

Me: ... a long time.

Guy: Can I shake your hand?

Me: uh... sure?

*shakes hand*

Me: What was that for?

Guy: Well, now that you shook my hand it means you respect me. And you can't kill someone when you respect them.

Apparently, they saw me come into the store swole (?) from the gym in my gym clothes asking gruffly about cellphone service in good Russian and once they found out I was Colombian. Well, you do the math. Built gruffy Colombian + really good Russian = ?

It's so nice to know that this is how people respect me in this country :)

Russia: Just like home

And by home I don't mean America, I mean Miami. As in uber-Latinified USA.

Russia: Just like home

For those of you who’ve heard me talk about my father, you’ll know that he’s not exactly the most understanding of people. Shoot, he still thinks Russia is the Soviet Union (true story). I tried explaining to him once that the Soviet Union fell in 1991 but he didn’t believe it. “IT’S A CONSPIRACY SON, CAN’T YOU SEE THEY’RE TRYING TO MAKE EVERYONE COMMUNIST!?” And so on and so forth.

What’s ironic is that he would fit PERFECTLY here in Russia. Here’s some of the things my host mother and I have talked about so far:

1) American culture. There’s no such thing. The reason our national cuisine is based on fast-food chains and enterprises is because the women who came over here from Plymouth were loose women who came here to “do more business” and, as a result, didn’t really know how to cook food and raise a family, so quite naturally all they cooked for their family was hamburgers cuz that was the easiest thing to make. “What about freedom of religion?” -- I had the idiocy to ask. “All that’s nonsense.” Was her response.

2) Jews. Gays and Lesbians. She attributed the existence of gays and lesbians to “the Jewish phenomenon.” Jews all around the world are making people gay left and right. –was the most kind of absurd thing she said. But then she went on to make other slightly anti-Semitic comments which, scarily enough, made sense to me. I know it’s a touchy subject, but I’ll try to write with delicacy. The Jews as a people like to point out how much they have suffered throughout history, been persecuted left and right, no one loves them, Jewish guilt, etc. etc. And they love to remind people about the Holocaust. Yet host mom says that how come they are the only ones who have the right to claim the Holocaust as their own? Hitler went after everyone. Gypsies, Belorussians, Russians (does anyone even remember massacre of Stalingrad?), gays even. Yet they keep their mouths shut and don’t really demand anymore retribution from those times past. Also, while everyone else is poor still, a lot of Jews have all the money and all the power. So why continue complaining about the past when clearly you’re well-off in the present.

3) Religion. Then it came to religion. A long and lengthy conversation I wish I could have with my parents, but we spoke very openly and frankly about our personal feelings towards religion, God, and church. But that’s another blog of its own.

4) Death. Already she spoke openly about how her nephew’s mother died this December from cancer. She was diagnosed one day and within the month she was dead. Now she has to look after him as an adopted son (granted, it’s not TOO much work, he’s 26, but still, a man needs a mother, you know?) and life’s pretty tough. “Life’s pretty tough” seems to be the overarching theme of Russian conversations.

5) Cats. My host mom (50) has no children (and I don’t think she had a husband, but I’m afraid to even ask should I open up a Russian can of worms and regret that I’ve ever lived ever), she lives with her mother (who’s 80, I believe), and three cats. AND SHE LOVES THOSE CATS. She told me a really long story about how her neighbors stole one of her cats and took it very far far away, and she suffered a lot and eventually pleaded God to return her cat back to her. And surely enough, three weeks later the cat just jumps through the window and starts eating food. Yes, miracles do happen.

So while my father is still convinced that everyone’s a Communist in Russia, he would still fit in perfectly with all the other extremely opinionated and controversial people, barreling through delicate topics with the force of a WWII tank. It’s like two peas in a pod!