Japan: Kyot-ian Onsen

Before I begin about the onsen I went to, I'd just like to state that HOLY CRAP KYOTO IS AMAZING! Beautiful 紅葉 (changing of leaves), beautiful temples, nature. Kyoto is like PERFECT for a couple or romantic lovers' night out. *sigh* someday...

Now... for ONSEN.

So I was worried that my mother would be 100% opposed to the idea of going to the onsen (hot springs), but the owner of the hostel really recommended we go to this one which is about a 10 minute walk from where we are. And thank God I forced her to. It. Was. AMAZING.

I've been to many an onsen here before in Japan. And a lot of them have been rather fancy. But this one TAKES THE PROVERBIAL MUTHAFUCKIN' CAKE. Infinite large tubs of heated water, of course that's a prerequisite. A sauna, yeah, whatevs. But does your sauna have A FLAT-SCREEN PLASMA TV IN IT!? Also, WAS IT PLAYING TWILIGHT IN JAPANESE!?!? It was like fate. I've never seen Twilight in my life, but I saw the EXACT scene in which Jacob goes "... are you scared?" and that chick goes "no." and he goes "but I've killed people." Only, picture this all in Japanese and it's just like "Bahaha wtf is this shit?" I.e. "Kowai darou?" "... ie." "koroshita koto aru yo" "ki ni shinai wa". I started laughing in the middle of the sauna, to say the least.

Then, pools with jets of bubbly water coming from all angles, some giving you back massages, foot massages, side love-handle massages. Moreover, places to lay down where a thin film of hot water is constantly streaming down the top, topped by a stone pillow to rest your weary head on, then hot spring, another hot spring, another hot spring, and a cold bath.

My favorite part is laying out in the open air and watching clouds of steam rise up from one's hot, hot skin.

Case in point, in addition to the hot springs looking like a palace, it's also all very meticulously decorated to simulate the wild outdoors. The hot water falls from the wall that's decorated with rocks and trickles down into the pool, surrounded by different sorts of greenery and Japaneezy stuff.

Not to mention, outside of the onsen, everyone's in pajamas watching TV in a huge ass lounge with rows upon rows of LAY-Z chairs, flanked on either side by vending machines of delicious Japanese snacks, and on the other side there's a full-out restaurant. Yes, amazing.

Anyways, my mom said afterwards that she liked it, and thanked me. But she added that that was the first time she ever did anything of that sort in her life and she felt a bit self-conscious given the thinness of absolutely EVERY JAPANESE PERSON THERE. Yeah, well, now you know how we all feel. I manage by hiding my fat with muscle that I scramble to find and mound it up against the fat globules. Sometimes, I even mold the fat to LOOK like muscle. Then, it goes from "Ew, fat American" to "WHOA! HOW'D YOU DO THAT?!?! *poke poke*" (see previous post on gym).

So, if you're looking to get naked with the natives, and are some sort of grungy-looking hippy looking to get clean, the Japanese onsen is for you. But you REALLY have to make sure it's awesome, so ask around. Ask "do you feel like a king?" "does the pool give my butt massages?" or "DO THEY PLAY TWILIGHT ON A FLAT SCREEN TV IN THE SAUNA!?" Cuz if it doesn't do that, then it's not worth going to.

Love, me.

Japan: Ikuko and Dinner with the Alligator-Lover

DOUBLE-POST WHAMMY! YOU NEVER EXPECTED IT! WOW! As if the gym weren't crazy enough...

That's how I met one Ikuko. Ikuko is in her 60's I'd say, who studied in Wisconsin or Minnesota or some other "that region" state, and whose English is perfect. At dinner today, she said "how do you say (atopic dermatitis)?" and then joked about how she'd forget that word tomorrow. Hahaha, yeeeah... and here I am still struggling with how to address people I don't know without having to use "you" (long Japanese grammar point explanation necessary).

So the second time we crossed paths at the gym, she said "Oh, come to my house, I invited some guys over for dinner and it'd be nice to have you over." And so I was like "EEEH!? MK!!!" Subtext: I'm a starving grad student living off of rice balls and bananas. Please feed me.

So today, although it was a holiday (Culture Day) I went nowhere. I just cleaned the house and got ready for this dinner. Ikuko was kind enough to pick me up, but she had to go to the golfing range because she forgot her clubs there (which, when she said it, sounded a lot like "craps." I was thoroughly confused as to just how much "crap" one could have to merit the plural "craps").

Fast forward a little bit - one of the guys was blind, who studied together in elementary school with another guy, both of whom learned English from Ikuko. The blind guy literally spoke as if someone had pressed "fast-forward" on a tape recorder. I couldn't have EVER fathomed that someone could speak that fast. And the other guy works for a trading company. As if "kaisha" weren't generic enough, apparently, everyone's "kaisha" is a "shousha." Japanese language learners, YOU know what I'm talking about...

So for appetizers she served chips and salsa. Which, if you live in Japan, you go "WAIT WHAT!? THERE'S SALSA!?!?!?" I was extremely giddy to see that this salsa was imported from Texas, and had roasted garlic flavor. Delicious. Then for salad it was a seaweed, sea shrimp, sea stuffs salad which was yuuummy! And then between that and the main course, she served champagne (which they called "wine" ... don't really know why) with French cheese.

And by French cheese, I mean it came in a box with French flags on it, but it was actually cream cheese. I chuckled inwardly. When she said "French cheese" I naturally assumed brie (and I was like "whoa, these people are hoity-toity"), but she busted out these small cubes of cheese, and, being a fat kid, I naturally jumped at the opportunity to eat as much cheese as possible. Only, when I put it in my mouth, I was like "huh... cream cheese." Different countries have different perceptions of different foods, and this was just another one. It's like my family who thinks I'm the hoity-toity one just because I like black tea. Fyi, my Colombian family, tea is the poor people's drink in Russia, and coffee the rich. Not the other way around.

And then, the chef d'oeuvre! CHICKEN POT PIE! Oh man, is Ikuko awesome at making food. It was absolutely phenomenal. Although I also chuckled at the way that I had to eat it - with chopsticks. Really interesting "East meets West" moment right there.

Then her husband started talking in half-English half-Japanese. He asked where I'm from (Florida) and he goes "Oh... you know... I live with alligator" and made these cute old man chomping sounds and points at his wife. Then he asked me if I ever met an alien. I said "No, not yet." Then he says "I have." And then he points at me.

Whomp whooomp.

But then he makes this argument about how Earthlings are aliens because aliens are part of the universe and so are Earthlings. I suppose it makes more sense in Japanese because it's 宇宙人 ("universe-people"). And then he asked me "why are countries important?"

This absolutely blew my mind.

As to why it blew my mind, and why a smile spread over my face over the following ten minutes of discussion, well, quite frankly this is the conversation that I needed. The one I needed to have to know that I CAN make Japan my own.

See, thing is up until this trip, my interactions with Japanese people have always been a bit... superficial. Weather, reasons for learning Japanese, school... not much else. In Russia, however, the conversations were always about life, love, democracy, death, literature, etc. etc. Oh, and vodka. And those are the conversations I live for. And to have this ojii-san ask me about something which we all take for granted, as a given, and completely floor me, well, that's how I now love Japan. It's given me renewed strength and confidence in that now I can throw myself at learning this language much like I threw myself at Russian. AND MASTER IT.

JAPAN, ICH LIEBE DICH!!!

And now... it's 3:16AM and I REALLY have to do my homework for tomorrow/in 5 hours. Uuuh... whoops.

Japan: The Gym

At last! At long, long last! At the gym people notice me and think I'm really cool and nice and interesting! And have big arms! My dreams have been realized!

The gym, in America, just another gay church where homosexuals grudgingly go to work out in the faint hope that he should attract a mate while pedaling furiously at his exercise bike or taking a sweat in the sauna. But not in Japan! First, because teh gayz don't exist here, and second, because we do it for health reasons, fo realz.

I, of course, still need to look good for when I step on American soil once again (that can actually be done within a 30 minute train ride from here though. Military base in Yokosuka. Military fetish, anyone?), so I decided to join a gym. As intimidated as I was by not knowing anyone and having to sign contracts in Japanese and fill out a form as to how regular my bowel movements are (try pointing at the Japanese word for "constipation" and asking what it is, have the lady tell you "it's when your intestines goes 'kapoople'" and maintain your dignity), it seemed rather that everyone was intimidated by me.

Luckily for me, only the most attractive/ripped of Japanese men approach me, saying "Ooo, what kind of sports do you do? You so muscly!" Tee hee! And then they touch me. My arms, that is. Still don't know how to feel about that... Regardless, initially I was saddened to see that everyone in the gym knew each other and that I'd never be able to break that barrier and be "in the know." That is, until word got out that THERE'S A FOREIGNER IN THEIR MIDST!

THAT'S RIGHT, ME! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! J/kizzles, though, no one was actually afraid of me. They just thought I was a hapa (half-Asian, half-something else) or Okinawan, but once they found out I spoke English, everyone who ever did study abroad in America came out of the woodworks and began talking to me. Even though their English was flawless, they'd occasionally turn back to Japanese and expected me to answer back in Japanese as well (much to my chagrin).

Anyways, that's for next post. For now I just want to point out that the reason why gay people don't exist in the gym is because of the gym showers. Now, sure, in America we also have saunas and showers in our gyms, but we don't have o-furo. O-furo is a bit like a large jacuzzi, maintained at 40-42 degrees Centigrade, and any number of naked Japanese men can fit into one at one time. Now, for the average American, getting naked in front of everyone and just walking around, rockin' out with your cock out is not exactly... appealing. Buuut I'm Wilson and Colombian and a nudist and a "naturist" so I'm perfectly fine prancing around naked like a dirty hippie. Only I hate dirty hippies cuz I keep clean.

Therefore, when Te-chan sat next to me in this man jacuzzi and began to squeeze my arm, I was like "OMG CAN YOU EVEN DO THAT!? IS THAT EVEN ALLOWED!?" My American cultural radar was off the charts, with that "toot toot" steam sound that accompanies the erratic needle and cracking glass. Buddy, if you were in America, I'm pretty sure everyone would be kicking your ass right about now. But we're not, and he's sincerely befuddled by my large arms, so I was just like "huh, so that's how it is."

Japanese gyms... man what a site of cultural interest. I'll probably be talking much more about it later because man it's weird.